the apple and the tree
i think the apple's rotten right to the core
growing up i could always sense a deep sadness in him, and i was too young to understand it then,
but i now realize it is the same deep sadness within myself, i am the emotional photocopy of my father, i am his daughter,
and i want to take his hands and say loudly and firmly, I SEE YOU. I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE GOOD. YOU ARE STRONG AND GENTLE. YOU ARE HURTING AND I AM HURTING TOO AND IT IS OKAY TO BE HURTING.
but knowing myself, i know i would never believe it if someone told me such things.
and i know he would never believe me.
i don't trust that someone could see something other than what i'm portraying. i must've fooled them, because someone can not SEE ME. and also LOVE ME. i am inherently unlovable. something is wrong within me that makes me undeserving of love. and if someone does love me, i must've fooled them, tricked them, they don't love me, they love what they think they see in me: something that's not there. something that will never be there. and yet all i want to do is to tell people that they can be loved. they deserve to be loved. they are lying to themselves. but dear god, he is me and i am him and i fear we will never get through to each other.
i am the emotional photocopy of my father, i am his daughter.
